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Activities, separate schedules and fatigue can make the idea of 'family unity' seem like an unattainable mirage. However, research demonstrates that families who set aside time together feel more at peace and are more able to meet the demands of the outside world. In fact, studies also show that children perform higher in standardized test scores in school when the family communes together.
Overwhelmed by the strains of not having much 'free' time, parents often wonder how they could possibly make room for family unity. After all, siblings bickering and differences in what activity all could enjoy are obstacles not easily surmounted. However, the differences and bickering provide clues as to how to proceed if one wishes to establish a beginning. No one ever claimed how much time or even what activity determined an actual family event. Sometimes, it is wiser to plan small and to evolve toward more involved, elaborate excursions.
To further explain, a research study looked at depressed early mothers. Unbeknownst to the mothers who assumed the study would proceed in the psychiatrist's office, the researchers examined the mothers and children in the waiting room/lobby area. Prior to intervention, the mothers invariably stared into space (otherwise known as the process of dissociation) and appeared detached from the children. Moreover, the children jumped up and down, shouted in above normal tones and, in essence, made things difficult for the recptionist.
However, weeks subsequent to the intervention, the mothers smiled more and engaged their children in the reading of a book or activity. In turn, the children no longer bounced helter skelter and spoke normally.
What was the intervention?
The researchers asked the mothers to make direct eye contact for a mere 5 minutes a day. An intervention so small reaped huge rewards. For instance, the mothers no longer complained of fatigue or overwhelmed feelings, and the children played in a more focused manner.
The explanation for these rewards was that the children were looking to their mothers for a sense of leadership as well as a sense of safety. Prior to eye gazing, the children were lacking cues that would tell them that focused play was safe to do. Their loud tones and frantic bounces were a sign of their distress and a desire on their part to force confrontation in order to be acknowledged.
Similarly, each person in a family desires to be seen and heard by the rest of his/her tribe. Eye gazing for as little as 5 minutes each day is one way to demonstrate a family member's importance. In addition, there are numerous other ways to get the message across that each person in the family matters - Moms and Dads included!
For instance, asking each member of the family to identify on paper three strengths or admirable qualities about a designated other member is one way for all to enjoy responding in a positive way to one another. Sharing what each has written and comparing or contrasting responses further elaborates the connection to the member in question. What is most positive about this activity is that the writing of the strengths and admirable qualities of the designated member can be assigned to the convenience of each person's schedule, as long as the sharing of them is done in a brief gathering. None have to feel as though they sacrificed precious hours to complete this activitity. Rotating turns affords all to bask in the glow of feeling important.
For those who enjoy even greater levity, practical joke playing that is neither mean spirited nor humiliating is another way to bond as a family. One example of this levity was offered by Donny Osmond on the now defunct 'Donny and Marie' television show. He reported that he received a phone call from his eldest son's school principal informing Donny of his son's attempt to AWOL from the school campus. Donny drove infuriated to the office of the school and appeared breathless in front of the staff. A camera flashed and all shouted, "April Fools!" Donny had not connected the holiday to the phone call, as indeed, prior to the holiday he had lectured his son on the importance of school attendance.
As illustrated above, practical jokes need not be harmful nor humiliating. A sign that a joke is neither of those is how the one joked upon will receive the laughter that will ensue. If a family can be certain that the receiver will also belly laugh when the joke is revealed, it is safe to assume that the joke is a kind one. However, if uncertain, the joke should be tabled.
Moreover, games of all kinds afford a family to gather for longer lengths of time without the fear of deep, dark silences or the provocation of arguing. Board games, card playing, simulation exercises and kinesthetic games such as Charades are a way for a family to enjoy one another's company. Setting out special snacks and treats also underline the importance and fun of the activity. Underneath the levity, the family learns how to operate as a team and how to unite for the purpose of strategy.
A recent suggestion was offered by a panel father on Cybil Shepherd's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' television talk show. The father urged another interviewer to choose a child's birthday age. With that number on the child's birthday, each parent should be asked to offer the same number of childhood stories from the parents' past. In this way, storytelling offers a three dimensional quality by allowing the child to view the parents in a larger context. Parents shold be encouraged to embellish the tales with historical references to the times of the particular story. The descriptions will allow the child a greater appreciation for the current conveniences he/she may take for granted.
As can be concluded by the examples above, unity comes in many different sizes and packages. What matters most is not the success or failure of any given activity. In fact, the failure of an activity can provide learning for the group. Everyone should be encouraged to express why the game or other example failed in order to help the family design an appreciation for what works for them. Sometimes, though, an activity may apppear to bomb only to be mourned years later when the activity ceased. Remember, the effort is well worth the time and investment. Perhaps, miracles wait around the corner...
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